It's not something I think I've really ever talked about here, (and I'm not talking about it here, I'm not talking about it anywhere) but ever since people in my life started dying, they haven't really stopped.

This is something which plays horrible games with me, more than what I guess is the granted mind-fuck of having a succession of friends past and present, as well as family, die. A thought has crept into my head and stayed there, black and acidic, that somehow I'm involved like some sort of conduit for whatever it is that people believe in; fate, providence or whatever intangible factor it is we blame when someone we love leaves us.

That last sentance makes me seem positively insane. I'm not; I fully recognise that in reality, it's just a savage mix of coincidence and the inherent tragedy of being human, but still, I'm me, and if you've been keeping score, that means I'm liable, if not likely, to wreck my own head.

The cancers, the suicides, the illnesses, the accidents and those who simply grew old: I am saying sorry. Both as a condolence, and an apology, for what I know I didn't do, but am irrationally terrified I did. Now please let me go.

This is definately one of my stranger posts; it's even earned an italic footnote from me, which I avoid at all costs. But I want to assure you all, I've not gone off the deep end. I've just had this recurring thought in my head for about a year now, and tonight for some reason I felt comfortable enough to try and exorcise it.