"Arousing, inspiring, comforting- music is capable of stimulating both passion and compassion, speaking to our very core and taking us to the heights or depths of emotion."

So reads the first sentence on the back of the book I'm currently reading; it's a set of case studies concerning peoples experiences with music in conjuction with brain abnormalities/unusualisms... I'm not sure if thats a word but you know what I mean, right? Anyway, reading it got me thinking, one of the things I'm most grateful for in the world is music, especially at the moment.
Now, permit me to take a detour. I promise it'll all make sense in the end.

I'll admit, I'm a little shaken when I think about it. I do think I got off really incredibly lightly on Saturday night, especially considering how much scope for further damage there is in that kind of situation.

A few weeks ago in a local bar, someone took one hit, like I did, but fell differently, hitting their head differently to how I must have hit mine, and they died. They fucking died. And that sort of thing, how you're hit, how you fall, what you catch on the way... thats ultimately random.

Similarly, the guitarist from one of my favourite bands was in a coma for a few days last year, due to a head injury. But when he came out of it, according to all sources, he'd written an album in his sleep, and it's one of the most transcendental, moving, epic pieces of music I think I've ever heard, given the context. Laugh if you like (because the band is Mastodon, the album is Crack The Skye, and the genre is metal, and obviously metal is just angry noise.... *sigh*) but it's nigh on life affirming.

The first time I picked up a guitar after Saturday night, one of the songs from this album was the song I played, not consciously, just cos I wanted to play the song, and it was incredible. It felt like playing for the first time, and moreover, I swear I felt something of what the song was carrying: a re-establishing of life, a denial to giving in. It's almost indescribable, but I'm pretty sure that I was doing something more than just playing guitar for that one song.

And then last night, I had the sheer joy of seeing a band with my brother and dad, and singing along with my family. That felt ace too, being back out in Portsmouth at night, and not only that, but being back 'home': a crowd of people there to take in musicians combining to create something which is both ridiculously complex, (scientifically speaking, it's unbelievable how a group of musicians interacts live, producing variations of sounds & timbres and pitches and rhythms on their various instruments and combining them, and it's also ridiculous how the listener then interprets and digests the sounds, then reacting as they do) but at it's heart, just a fucking good time. Especially with my family, especially after Saturday, this was euphoric.

And now, literally right now, I'm listening to the new album by Alexisonfire, with the Best Voice In The World (aka Dallas Green) leading the way, and it's making me want to drop to my knees and sing along as loud as I can. So I might. Seriously, this is amazing. Urgent and vital and loving and just FUCK YEAH.


I think I got a bit off topic there, or possibly even went to in depth because my overall point is this: isn't music a life saver sometimes?

It's quite possibly retarded that it's taken something like this to sort me out, but I think I've found what I was looking for, or at least been reminded to get back on with that search. What I felt fleetingly for the first few times in memory, on a few occasions last year, has come back and it's ridiculous that it's taken this to get me back towards being in the state of mind I want to be in.

What I have right now:
The perennial taste of blood in my mouth.
A cut lip.
A black eye.
A grazed shoulder.
A grazed elbow.
A borderline immobile wrist.
One and a half missing teeth.
No phone.
The repeating phrase in my head 'It could have been so much worse'

What I don't have right now:
A girlfriend.
A job which I don't want to walk out on every day I am there.
A steady living situation.
The feeling that I am going anywhere in life.


What I am going to do next?
Change.

*If any of this seems a little garbled or hard to read; I've got a head injury, so fuck you ;) *

So fuck you.
Fuck you for making me think I could be stable and happy and start getting what I want for the first time in a good few years. Thats not too much to ask, is it?

Fuck you for making me think I'm being selfish when I just want comfort.

Fuck you for painting this picture of yourself being so innocent when whispers draw you as a demon off the canvas, fuck you for making me so angry I can't even make a turn of phrase like the one I just used into a decent lyric or song.

Fuck you for not being the arms I want to hold me or the mouth I want to kiss me.
Fuck you for changing everything I knew about you and everything that I fell in love with. Fuck you for taking so long about it too, at least shift so fast I don't feel it burn me down day after day.

Fuck you for living your life and showing me how you're living your dreams, succeeding while I'm joining the living dead. And fuck you for your condescending advice, we can't all have the right friends, we can't all have these opportunities.

Fuck you for being happy without me.

I think I miss you so very very much.