Hello you. (a different you now; I'm keeping my word). Too much past has ruined the future, but I truly hope you like your escape. I know how much it will mean to you,

and hello you. I thought about you for the first time in ages today, and I considered getting in touch, just to see how you were, but then realised I simply couldn't deal with another teaser of what I really just want so much of.

You know, You were just starting to get past my defences too. Times, places, rights, wrongs.

I miss you in a different way to the rest. Too far away, too infrequent. But not too much to want rid of, not at all, because I think I see that you need someone like me, like I need someone like you. Still...

And oh, you. If you'd just stay still and let me speak, maybe you would stop running away. Maybe you'd stop chasing your dreams. But then how would I feel?

and you. You. I never thought you'd leave, of all people, but it seems that is the case. Will we meet again once you go? In a years time, be in the bay, because I'll burn up a sun just to see you.

All these colours, fading to black.

I've not forgotten to write here. I've just not been able to, really. I missed out a whole month, nearly two, it seems.

Which kind of sucks, but kind of doesn't, as I've had to try to turn all the shit into gold in other, more productive ways.

Still, I intend to write here more often, or at least more regularly. Starting tonight.

I want to introduce you all to what's going to be the new recurring theme around here: Feeling fucking good about life.

Not without reason either. It feels like I've not posted for a while, but maybe it's just that a lot has gone in a short space of time. And here's what:

-A jet black start to the new year made me shrink back into my shell for a bit, and prompted some serious self-analysis. A few key conversations and confessions helped, and though I've said it elsewhere, I can't thank those who saw me right enough.

- A band has appeared, and what a fucking band. Me and five of my best friends (because there should be no other way) are making the sort of noise I've always heard in my head, and I'm being given a huge amount of input and control over the riffs and the lyrics, despite being the most inexperienced member of the band. It's a validation of sorts, that my decade plus of writing seems to have actually been of some quality and purpose, but that's not as important as the fact that, well, this whole thing is actually happening. I wish I could be more verbose, and explain it in more colourful terms, but essentially I'm too stoked for words, and it's when I become tongue tied that you know I'm genuinely, truly excited. We've got plans to play shows, tour, record, the whole lot, and, admittedly thanks to knowing a few key people, it really looks like it might happen. Not on any grand scale that will matter to anyone really, but just playing anywhere, a toilet venue, a pub, even a front room will mean the world to me, it's what I've always wanted to do, and if I sound like another one of those boring pricks who goes on about his band I apologise because I'm trying to be incredibly humble about the whole thing, it's just I'm so fucking excited, more than I've been in living memory. We are just a local band, but dammit, it's my local band, with my friends alongside me, and yeah, fucking fuck yeah.

- I've seen some incredible shows recently, this has probably been the best month for music I've ever had. The Hope Conspiracy played the Camden Underworld the day after my 23rd birthday, along with the lovely men of Attack! Vipers!, and as amazing as it was to see my friends in A!V! playing, for lack of a better term, a 'real venue', Hope Con were incredible. Still coming off of a hellish start to the year, fighting the weather just to get to London, coming to terms with another year tucked under the belt or to be more accurate, punching below the belt, and not quite knowing how I was going to get home, I needed this to be a life saver, and it was. It can be hard to explain to people not into heavier music just how fucking life-affirming something like this can be, but to my mind it's always been about the same basic essential of what any music can do to a listener. The creation of a connection, a recognition, that feel of "Yeah, we're on a stage, but so what? We're like you." Ever since I first heard Hope Con, I've felt they spoke for me, my anger, my frustration, my wish for better things and that rage that they're so hard to achieve, and here I let it all out and decided to start again, building a better way to live. How many bands can you say have had that effect on you?

Then I saw Baroness. I can't really say much here, it's as simple as saying that they were glorious. Possibly the best album of last year, the Blue Record, being played in it's near entirety, along with various other stormers from the back catalogue, with my brother at my side and both stood front and centre, this was the release that music should provide, with moment after moment of utterly carefree headbanging and kinetic, primal movement. Why should I stay still? To look cool in front of a hipster London crowd? Why should I give a fuck? These grooves drive me, they grab my very core and shake me, and I'll air guitar when I want, and I'll sing as loud as I like, and I'll have a fucking amazing time, and this was incredible too.

Finally, at Wembley, I saw my adolescent love for Thrice (which has never really gone away) rekindle fully, but moreover I witnessed Brand New become the band I always knew they could be, and had been willing them to become since I first heard them. From soulless boxes to festival fields, I've seen this band more than any other I can think of, and never before have they been better. I like to think their journey as a group has mirrored my own growing up, from their simplistic yet passionate beginnings, to their contemplative slow down of a middle period, where they explored who they were, to their current, almost satisfied, comfort-through-acceptance state of being, whilst growing in stature all the time. The show itself was with great friends both old and new, making this the ultimate gig for me to see at this point in my life, watching people I've always identified with on so many levels, feeling like they were fulfilling their potential at last. Sheer magic, perfection in so many ways both superficial and deeply personal.

- Finally, and don't let the relative lack of space devoted to this fool you, but I've cut down considerably on doing the things which are bad for me. I hardly drink anymore, and when I do it's well within my limits and in moderation. I'm fucking proud of this.
Similarly, I've decided to exercise self control elsewhere, in the form of an indeterminate spell of vegetarianism. Nothing too high brow or militant, just that I don't like the idea of things dying just so I can live when there are alternatives to this. More than this though, this is about self control and restraint, proving to myself that if I don't want to do something, I can not do it. So far, it's been eight days since I ate meat, eight days since I started playing this game with myself, and though I'm starting to get sick of cheese and potatoes, every morning I'm waking up, adding another notch to make my tally proud, and feeling generally fucking fantastic about where I think I'm heading in life now.

So. Happy. Right. Now.

It just dawned on me that after a certain point, being angry/disappointed/generally pissed off is a comfort, as it means that everything is normal.

If you ever feel entirely contented with everything, look harder because no one is ever totally alright.

Even if you've got all the things you can think of under control, there is someone out there fucking with your life, and it's more than likely that they're doing it purely for their own benefit.

You may not ever be able to speak to them, or even know who they are, but these people are more in charge of your life than you are.

Fight them. If you're not angry about something in the world, you're dead inside.

When your blood starts to boil use the heat to light a fire under yourself.

Take no shit and fuck 'em if they care.

But at the same time, this does not feel like where I ought to be, and I am not up for months of discomfort, being in the same place in my mind despite being in a different place with my body. So answer me this; where do you go to when you don't know anywhere that feels like home?

This is not the time to speak in abstractions.

I think my time in Southsea is about up, I've been there five years, and speaking purely about the town as a whole (and not my friends, whom I love) if there was genuinely anything magnetic and alluring enough to make me want to stay, I think I'd know where to go for it, and where to find it.
Sure, things are taking form and shape; new friendships, my two bands, and there's always going to be places like The Wedge and The One Eyed Dog which I know I will miss no matter when I leave, purely because of how they fit in with the person I want to be, but the core is this, that in order to become this person, I think my time is up.

I want to see the world, I want to get a job I don't hate, and at the same time I love being able to bump into people I know on random walks round town, and this tight little community I am part of, I want to be somewhere where not everyone knows everything about each other, and maybe even where no one knows me.

I have been offered a job in Crawley, where I'm from originally, and it sounds like something I'd like to do. It's for the local council, working alongside different cultures, and at the same time I would be assisting them in the town, so too would I be finding out more about their own lifestyles and beliefs and everything, and it all sounds precisely what I want to do. I'll be able to put my degree to use in a second role too, filming and editing various videos, which is also something I actually enjoy, as well as proving quite financially rewarding.

Doing this, it would be most sensible to move back to Crawley, and live with my parents, graciously rent free for a few months. Saving up all, and I mean all the money I make, would mean I would most likely be four figures up from my current financial state, and this in turn would allow for some travelling, and then, who knows where, maybe back to Southsea, maybe to Brighton, I don't honestly know.

So what I am trying and I believe failing to say is that to everyone in Southsea who reads this (and I know at least a few do), if I end up moving on soon, I don't want you to think that you aren't important to me, and I don't want you to think it was an easy decision to make. Working on the assumption that I leave, I will be coming back very often I promise. It's just there is too much I want, too much I need, and I don't see any of it where we are right now.