My 2009 part one

I think I grew up this year, in the sense that I feel I've stopped being a child in my mind and finally decided to shoulder the responsibilities of adulthood. I'm in two minds over how I feel about this; on the one hand it's sort of nice to feel like I'm actually part of the real world here and there, but on the other, fuck me, there's a lot of things it takes out of you. There's a certain feeling of finality about it which I don't really like, and I keep pushing away the question "Is this is?" which keeps looming at me inside my head.

I mean, I still live a fairly 'young' lifestyle a lot of the time; I go to gigs, I'm perhaps more into music now than I've ever been, and if you're reading this then I'm sure you know that I have a tendency to go out and get drunk, a lot.

But this last point has been fucking with me, for a long time now. Going out six nights a week is hammering me, I can feel it. I'm always tired, there's not a day in memory when some part of me didn't hurt, and financially it's doing me in as well. I actually feel pretty sure I'm not too far from the point of where, if I'm not careful, I incur some sort of major damage to my body, if I haven't already. I mean, I've already got quite a few minor scars from where I've done something stupid while drunk and it's gone wrong, and I've just recently realised that this should probably serve as some sort of wake up call. On a related note, having to go to A&E to get your fucking skull x-rayed, after taking the sort of sucker punch and fall which costs you two teeth and a mobile phone, but next week you read in a local paper has cost a man his life during a random assault and fluke fall in a club, really ought to inspire you to make the most of life, rather than pissing it all away. I've spent so much of this year busy burning the candle at both ends that I've never really stopped to think about the fact that my flame could go out as a resuly. I've come to understand that I truly like being alive. It's useful for doing cool stuff. I also like the idea of being able to remember it. There are photographs of me that are redundant, that don't conjure up memories, because though my body turned up, I simply was not there. That's horrific. So, if the 'days of my youth' are coming to an end, I'd like to be able to recall them when I want something to look back on.

(As I write this, I'm in a pub, and I've not had a drink for 11 days. I've had an unusual feeling growing in me the whole time, something unfamiliar. I think it might be pride.)

I've got a full time job, just like real grown ups do, and I hate it, just like real grown ups do. I think that if you don't hate your job then you're either one of the minority lucky enough to be doing something they like, or you're a little bit dead inside. I feel like I am letting myself down day after day just by turning up and agreeing to submit to a thankless task which I feel no connection to whatsoever. There is something intrinsically wrong about spending more time doing one thing you hate than doing any one of the multitude of things you remotely enjoy. My life for about five months consisted of me waking up, going to work, coming home, having a meal, and going to sleep again. This was me, on a loop. The hours have reduced since, but I still hate it. Still, it comes down to the matter of money. I want to go travelling round the world to various places in the next few years, starting with Kiev in the spring, and then hopefully somewhere else in the autumn, and so on, every two seasons, somewhere new, but it's being able to afford it which is the problem. If I could quit my job tomorrow, I would, but essentially it pays the bills and rent and I need that money. I wish I didn't, and I do wish I worked practically anywhere else, but right now I feel I have to choose safety over impulsiveness, even though it goes against everything I believe in and aspire to be. Almost all my heroes and role models never gave a fuck for work, and just did what they wanted, and this is the lifestyle I aspire to lead, but I don't know, maybe they were just braver, or had more integrity than me. It's thoughts like these that I fucking hate, that's the real issue here. I am currently spending most of my time doing something which makes me feel like a fucking failure and disappointment to myself.

I am a letdown to my own potential.