You know what sounds good right now?

Jacking it all in down here and moving on. Taking my old job back and actually making use of my £10,000 piece of paper. Disappearing from this dead scene and starting again.

I'm not even being pessimistic or over dramatic. Here's some plain facts:

I'm throwing money at rent and bills, never quite making it above the line and getting out of debt but always getting just close enough to think 'one more month and I'll be there'. It's just not happening, and no matter what I try or how much I tighten the strings, this seems like it's not going to stop happening. Financially, it makes sense to leave.

My best friends are moving on and just really going for it, but I'm stuck feeling this ugly confusing mix of jealousy and joy and rejection when I think about them. I'm so happy for them, I really am, they're chasing dreams and visibly making them work, dotted around the world right now, but I'm not, and I find myself asking why can't they just stay and simply keep me company? Do I mean that little to them? I know this isn't the case but still, it feels like it sometimes. Is it selfish to ask where their time for me has gone? Theres not even a hint of anyone here who I think could be my little anchor either, and I'm increasingly aware that might be what I need, perhaps now more than I have for a while. Socially, I get the feeling now is the time to get gone.

And I'm reminded that, yeah, in some respects I ought to be grateful to be alive and able to have these opportunities that I only end up backing away from. But it's not enough for me to just be happy to be alive, whats the point of living if you're just drifting along? Fuck, if you ask me that's not living at all. Look at my last two posts here, so full of drive and where's it gone? Crushed up and swallowed by a routine I hate, and subdued by what I've been convincing myself are 'needs' rather than 'options'. I need to put promise into action. And as much as right now it feels like it would be giving in, I get the feeling that if I go, then down the line I'll see that it's not, and that it will simply be regrouping.

I don't want to do my job anymore. I don't really want to do any job. But funds have to come from somewhere, and, to quote a song, 'dreams cost money, but money costs dreams'. I do have dreams though, I've got ambitions. (Side note: I would quite like someone to share and fulfill them with, NOW.)

I want to go from coast to coast across America, with a few clothes and a guitar, not sure how to get places, but knowing that I will.

I want to educate children as to how important it is that they care, because they are about to become the ones who either save or doom this poor ailing planet.

I want to take in the deep south, to go where the blues was born, and visit places enshrouded in so much music that the air itself must feel heavy with ghosts of songs.

I want to play music in front of people, and have even just one stranger come up to me and say they liked it.

I want to go to Auschwitz and cry more than I've ever cried before or ever could again, willing forth six million tears and just praying that they come.

I want to feel ok about being alive as part of this disappointing, horrible human race.

I want to go to Iceland, and just sit on a glacier, looking out to a cold dark sea and finding completion in the solitude, with the sounds of the country's ice and earth and air playing in my ears.

I want to openly, unashamedly, be with someone I love, and who loves me, and make it last.

I want to get on a dusty bus or rusting old train somewhere in Northern Africa, or Eastern Europe, or Asia, and stick out like a sore thumb, amidst music and chatter and people and culture, going somewhere just because it's the journey, and not the destination that I care about.

I want to go to Japan, and become a tiny atom in all the neon and the noise. I want to be an alien, surrounded by the surreal and just utterly lost, so I can blow my mind, or find my way, or both.

And through all this, I want to stop every now and then wherever I am, and savour the air of the next breath I take, until I am fit to burst with the understanding of how beautifully impossibly defiant it is that I am alive on this earth.

I'm ready to see the big wide world now, and I know this because I've lost almost all faith in this little tiny one I'm living in at the moment. So if it means I have to lose a few things to gain so much more, I'm sorry, I really am so sorry, but I think that's what I might have to do.